So lately I have felt like there has been so much drama on my shoulders...between the issues my husband and I are working out and trying to help friends...Some days I want to just throw my hands up and give up...But Im a fighter and know this too shall pass. Recently I have been faced with a decision of morals (and unfortunately this is the 2nd year in a row someone around me has done this) my dearest and closest friend for a long time is in a situation that I'd rather not discuss but its a decision shes making that I morally and emotionally fully disagree with. What do you do when your stuck in a place where you love this friend more like sister to death and would do anything for her in your power yet shes about to make a life altering choice you cant support? I want to support her because she isnt telling anyone except me and I know its a tough decision but it tears me up inside and out to even fathom what she is doing...
Where do you draw the line and how? How if its something you do not support...support them? I hate this internal struggle. I have learned the last 2 years to keep a lot of my opinions to myself...I dont want to hurt people and I dont want to be punsihed for honesty...which is why I havent pushed my solutions on her...but is that wrong? I am condoning what she is doing by not saying anything? All these things running thru my mind and I just try to pray and pray about it...hopefully some clarity and answers will come to me soon...I wish I could crawl into a hole and disappear with my husband and daughter for awhile...I feel like if we could be 100% disconnected for awhile maybe that would make things in life more clear and show us a path we need to follow...but that is most definitely unrealistic...so to blogging talking and venting about it I go...
Well still trying to figure out what this blog will be...I feel if I say its going to be one thing I wont follow thru so for now it is what it is...
<3
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
1st and Official
Well this will be my FIRST and OFFICIAL Blog Post on here! What to say and where to start? 5 months ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl Ryan Anne and ever since life has had its many ups and downs. I have been married for 2 years and with my husband for 5 years. We live in a home in Centralia WA and plan on moving back to Olympia WA in March of 2011. I work for DSHS so my job is always in turmoil/fear of being cut however, I almost hope for that so I can do something else with my life!
Within one week of having Ryan we had to unexpectedly move out of our mold infested home and find a new home to live in. This cause the worst family rif and divide I could have ever imagined. It wasnt even from my family it was with my in-laws (well mainly my Father in Law and Aunts in Law). I feel like I still havent fully healed from it and hope that sometime in the near future I can forgive and be at peace with it for myself because its a daily irritation. It probably will be easier when I am out of the current town I live in because I have noting but bitterness towards this town. We moved to Centralia to live in and maintain my father in laws home and when the recent turn of events happend had to stay down here and committ to a year lease because we had daycare set up for my daughter Ryan....7 more months and we can move back to the city I love and know as home.
I have been learning in the recent months that having a baby completely changes the relationship you have with your significant other (OBVIOUSLY I KNOW) but I just have to state it out "loud". I am struggling with where we currently are completely disconnected and distant AS A COUPLE not parents. I couldnt have asked for a better father and husband yet for some reason apparently its not enough? I dont know maybe I have some serious issues, maybe I got into a committed relationship to early, or maybe I am just someone who will never be satisfied and has to weigh the pro's and con's. Would that be considered just settling? Now I am not completed trying to bash my husband or situation because I take full responsibility for how I feel. I know its me and I know thru time I will probably work it out and of course the cycle will repeat. How do you get out of this feeling? Is it something that can be fixed or is it just how I am and something I need to handle...Who knows... I am somone who has always been very independent and in control of my life and what I get and want out of it...and I know over the last 3 years I have lost a lot of the control I had...I know I am completely rambling and not making sense but thats the point of a blog...maybe I should write when my thoughts are more collected!
The sun has been shining and my daughter is napping there really is nothing better in the world. I love absolutely everything about being a mom...I love her laughs, her cries, her kicks and squeals...I never knew what love was until I had Ryan and I am so blessed and thankful that I have taken this next journey and step in life. It really has been the most eye opening thing I have ever gone thru and cant wait to continue this journey with her. I know this is what I was supposed to do loving and nurturing a beautiful blessing.
Well I guess thats enough for a first post!
Nothing more to say well a lot more but I havent quite figured out what I am/want to make out of this blog so until then...
<3
Within one week of having Ryan we had to unexpectedly move out of our mold infested home and find a new home to live in. This cause the worst family rif and divide I could have ever imagined. It wasnt even from my family it was with my in-laws (well mainly my Father in Law and Aunts in Law). I feel like I still havent fully healed from it and hope that sometime in the near future I can forgive and be at peace with it for myself because its a daily irritation. It probably will be easier when I am out of the current town I live in because I have noting but bitterness towards this town. We moved to Centralia to live in and maintain my father in laws home and when the recent turn of events happend had to stay down here and committ to a year lease because we had daycare set up for my daughter Ryan....7 more months and we can move back to the city I love and know as home.
I have been learning in the recent months that having a baby completely changes the relationship you have with your significant other (OBVIOUSLY I KNOW) but I just have to state it out "loud". I am struggling with where we currently are completely disconnected and distant AS A COUPLE not parents. I couldnt have asked for a better father and husband yet for some reason apparently its not enough? I dont know maybe I have some serious issues, maybe I got into a committed relationship to early, or maybe I am just someone who will never be satisfied and has to weigh the pro's and con's. Would that be considered just settling? Now I am not completed trying to bash my husband or situation because I take full responsibility for how I feel. I know its me and I know thru time I will probably work it out and of course the cycle will repeat. How do you get out of this feeling? Is it something that can be fixed or is it just how I am and something I need to handle...Who knows... I am somone who has always been very independent and in control of my life and what I get and want out of it...and I know over the last 3 years I have lost a lot of the control I had...I know I am completely rambling and not making sense but thats the point of a blog...maybe I should write when my thoughts are more collected!
The sun has been shining and my daughter is napping there really is nothing better in the world. I love absolutely everything about being a mom...I love her laughs, her cries, her kicks and squeals...I never knew what love was until I had Ryan and I am so blessed and thankful that I have taken this next journey and step in life. It really has been the most eye opening thing I have ever gone thru and cant wait to continue this journey with her. I know this is what I was supposed to do loving and nurturing a beautiful blessing.
Well I guess thats enough for a first post!
Nothing more to say well a lot more but I havent quite figured out what I am/want to make out of this blog so until then...
<3
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